After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
