According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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