A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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