the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
