I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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