My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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