At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
