no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
