yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
