We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
