You really coming over, don't trick.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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