Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
