just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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