Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
