im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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