I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
