so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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