When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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