So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Randomize
