Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
