It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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