I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
