Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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