Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
