I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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