If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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