My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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