Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Im part way to drunk.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
