I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
