It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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