What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
