I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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