apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
