anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
