I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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