i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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