Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
