i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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