i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
