Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
