my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
