Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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