My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
