I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
