Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
