my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
