I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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