u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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