My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
