I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Let's get the cat blown out
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
