No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
