Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I touched a dick in church today
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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