there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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