playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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