I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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