Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize