I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
