my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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