Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
