: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Randomize
