Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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