After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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