I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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