I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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