Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Less talking, more tequila
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
