Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
